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Reading lists

Best quotes from Jeremy Carkson

Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly

Get tucked in to a third bestselling helping of Clarkson's Farm from our favourite wellie-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson 
 'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
 
 'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 
 --- After three years, Jeremy Clarkson has discovered the golden rule of farming: 
 
 whatever you hope will happen, won't. 
 
 Enthusiastic schemes to diversify face defeat at the hands of the Council Planning department, or derision from Kaleb. Jeremy's plans for a business empire founded on rewilding and nettle soup are doubted by Lisa. And the stifling thickets of red tape keep only one person smiling – Cheerful Charlie, who charges by the hour. 
 
 But the animals couldn’t be happier. A rented bull called Break-Heart Maestro is delighting the cows. The pigs are bringing home the bacon. And the goats are . . . most probably psychopaths. 
 
 Yet on the good days it hard not to be optimistic. 
 Where else do you get to harvest blackberries with a vacuum cleaner? 
 
 Maybe it’s not just Break-heart Maestro who gets a happy ending? 
 
---- 
 
Readers are loving Diddly Squat: Pigs Might Fly 
 
‘Another funny book from Jeremy. This one made me chuckle but, my only complaint it's too short. I wanted more. Hopefully Another book is being written as we speak’ ***** Reader Review 
 ‘I love the show and I love the books. Both make me chuckle but have also given me an insight into farming and how hard farming is’ **** Reader Review 
 ‘I’ve read the previous books and loved those as well. 
 Witty and funny with depth and a bit of seriousness’ **** Reader Review 
 ‘Loved it, quickest book I've ever read. Can't wait for the next Clarkson instalment’ **** Reader Review

Jeremy Clarkson began his writing career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun, the Sunday Times, the Rochdale Observer, the Wolverhampton Express &amp; Star, all of the Associated Kent Newspapers and Lincolnshire Life. He was, for many years, the tallest person on television. He now lives on Diddly Squat Farm in Oxfordshire where he is learning to become a farmer.

Diddly Squat: ‘Til The Cows Come Home

THE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER 
 
Head back down to Clarkson Farm with the bestseller from our favourite welly-wearing wannabe farmer, Jeremy Clarkson 
___________ 
 
Enthusiastic trainee farmer Jeremy Clarkson made just £144 in his first year at Diddly Squat Farm. This year he's determined to do better. Not because he now knows what he's doing. But because he's fed up of getting stick from Kaleb. 
 
Yet farming continues to be a challenge. 
 
For instance . . . 
· Loading a grain trailer was more demanding than flying an Apache gunship? 
· Cows were more dangerous than motor-racing? 
· It's easier to get planning permission to build a nuclear plant than to turn a barn into a restaurant? 
 
Jeremy's always got a plan. Loads of them. Often cunning. 
 
Not always greeted with wild enthusiasm by Kaleb and Cheerful Charlie, however . . . 
___________ 
 
PRAISE FOR DIDDLY SQUAT 
 
'Clarkson has done more for farmers in one series than Countryfile achieved in 30 years' James Rebanks, author of A Shepherd's Life 
 
'Clarkson has showcased the passion, humour and personalities of the people who work throughout the year to grow the nation's food . . . and brought an understanding of many of the issues faced by farmers to the British public' National Farmers Union 
 
'A deserving Farming Champion of the Year' Farmers Weekly 
 
'I don't know anything about farming. It's like David Attenborough doing jet-skiing, or Nicholas Witchell saying, "I'm going to be a cage fighter'" Jeremy Clarkson 
 
Number 1 Sunday Times bestseller, October 2022

If you want a laugh, it's Jeremy Clarkson's Diddly Squat: 'Til the Cows Come Home . . . The book will keep us going until the next TV series appears.

Jeremy Clarkson began his writing career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun, the Sunday Times, the Rochdale Observer, the Wolverhampton Express & Star, all of the Associated Kent Newspapers and Lincolnshire Life. He was, for many years, the tallest person on television. He now lives on Diddly Squat Farm in Oxfordshire where he is learning to become a farmer.

A Year on the Farm

Diddly Squat

Pull on your wellies, grab your flat cap and join Jeremy Clarkson in this hilarious and fascinating behind-the-scenes look at the infamous Diddly Squat Farm 
 
THE NO. 1 SUNDAY TIMES BESTSELLER 
 
'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 
_________ 
 
Welcome to Clarkson's farm. 
 
It's always had a nice ring to it. Jeremy just never thought that one day his actual job would be 'a farmer'. 
 
And, sadly, it doesn't mean he's any good at it. 
 
From buying the wrong tractor (Lamborghini, since you ask . . .) to formation combine harvesting, getting tied-up in knots of red tape to chasing viciously athletic cows, our hero soon learns that enthusiasm alone might not be enough. 
 
Jeremy may never succeed in becoming master of his land, but, as he's discovering, the fun lies in the trying . . . 
_________ 
 
'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard 
 
Praise for Clarkson's Farm: 
 
'The best thing Clarkson's done . . . it pains me to say this' GUARDIAN 
 
'Shockingly hopeful' INDEPENDENT 
 
'Even the most committed Clarkson haters will find him likeable here' TELEGRAPH 
 
'Quite lovely' THE TIMES 
 
Diddly Squat, Number 1 Sunday Times bestseller, October 2022

Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches

Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube

Can You Make This Thing Go Faster?

The hilarious new collection of stories and observations from Jeremy Clarkson - setting our off-kilter world to rights with thigh-slapping wit once again. 
 
Who is that tractor-driving Gentleman Farmer? 
Has Jeremy turned into a horny-handed son of the soil? 
 
These and other perplexing questions may or may not be answered in the latest volume of Clarkson's utterly unbiased musings on life, the universe and everything in between (except cars - this isn't one of his four-wheel drive books). 
 
Inside you'll also discover why: 
· Bathing in crude oil isn't for everyone 
· People who go fishing hate their kids 
· Noise-cancelling headphones will never silence James May 
· The rambler who stole his marrow is in for it 
 
Full of fact-checked opinions and ideas so good they're no longer following the science but chasing it up a tree, Can You Make This Thing Go Faster? is one hundred per cent guaranteed Clarkson . . . 
 
 Praise for Clarkson: 
 
 'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
 
 'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 
 
 'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard

Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches

Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube

Jeremy Clarkson began his career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun, the Sunday Times, the Rochdale Observer, the Wolverhampton Express &amp; Star, all of the Associated Kent Newspapers and Lincolnshire Life.

These days, you might know him better as a tractor-driving Gentleman Farmer, but Jeremy Clarkson wasn't always a horny-handed son of the soil. 
 
Not at all . . . 
 
Back in the day Jeremy was far more likely to be found gunning around the world in a haze of burnt rubber and petrol fumes. But life as a globe-trotting petrol-head also meant he was forced endure more than his fair share of foolishness, frustration and downright bafflement. And, while Jeremy may not a patient man, you have to ask why anyone should have to consider issues as diverse and perplexing as: 
 
- The downsides of relaxing in a bath of crude oil 
- Why fishing is for people who hate their kids 
- Whether there are noise-cancelling headphones with the power to silence James May 
- Why saving the planet means soggy paper straws and no more children 
- What to do about the rambler who stole his marrow 
 
But as puzzling and exasperating as life on the road often seemed to be, you could always count on Jeremy to set the world to rights with a rare wit and unique understanding. And at full throttle. Just don't expect it to all go smoothly . . .

Round the Bend

Jeremy Clarkson gets really riled in Round the Bend. 
 
What's it like to drive a car that's actively trying to kill you? 
 
This and many other burning questions trouble Jeremy Clarkson as he sets out to explore the world from the safety of four wheels. Avoiding the legions of power-crazed traffic wombles attempting to block highway and byway, he he: 
 
* Shows how the world of performance cars may be likened to Battersea Dogs Home 
 
* Reveals why St Moritz may be the most bonkers town in all of the world 
 
* Reminds us that Switzerland is so afraid of snow that any flakes falling on the road are immediately arrested 
 
* Argues that washing a car is a waste of time 
 
Funny, globe-trotting, irreverent and sometimes downright rude, Round the Bend is packed with curious and fascinating but otherwise hopelessly useless stories and facts about everything under the sun (and just occasionally cars). It's Jeremy Clarkson at his brilliant best. 
 
 
Praise for Jeremy Clarkson 
'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
 
'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 
 
'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard

Outrageously funny...will have you in stitches

Very funny...I cracked up laughing on the tube

Jeremy Clarkson began his career on the Rotherham Advertiser. Since then he has written for the Sun, the Sunday Times, the Rochdale Observer, the Wolverhampton Express &amp; Star, all of the Associated Kent Newspapers and Lincolnshire Life.

Jeremy Clarkson gets really riled in Round the Bend. 
 
What's it like to drive a car that's actively trying to kill you? 
 
This and many other burning questions trouble Jeremy Clarkson as he sets out to explore the world from the safety of four wheels. Avoiding the legions of power-crazed traffic wombles attempting to block highway and byway, he he: 
 
* Shows how the world of performance cars may be likened to Battersea Dogs Home 
 
* Reveals why St Moritz may be the most bonkers town in all of the world 
 
* Reminds us that Switzerland is so afraid of snow that any flakes falling on the road are immediately arrested 
 
* Argues that washing a car is a waste of time 
 
Funny, globe-trotting, irreverent and sometimes downright rude, Round the Bend is packed with curious and fascinating but otherwise hopelessly useless stories and facts about everything under the sun (and just occasionally cars). It's Jeremy Clarkson at his brilliant best. 
 
 
Praise for Jeremy Clarkson 
'Brilliant . . . laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
 
'Outrageously funny . . . will have you in stitches' Time Out 
 
'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard

Really?

JEREMY CLARKSON'S LATEST - AND MOST OUTRAGEOUS - TAKE ON THE WORLD 
 
CLARKSON'S BACK - AND THIS TIME HE'S PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN 
 
From his first job as a travelling sales rep selling Paddington Bears to his latest wheeze as a gentleman farmer, Jeremy Clarkson's love of cars has just about kept him out of trouble. 
 
But in a persistently infuriating world, sometimes you have to race full-throttle at the speed-bumps. 
 
Because there's still plenty to get cross about, including: 
· Why nothing good ever came out of a meeting 
· Muesli's unmentionable side effects 
· Navigating London when every single road is being dug up at once 
· People who read online reviews of dishwashers 
· ****ing driverless cars 
 
Buckle up for a bumpy ride - you're holding the only book in history to require seatbelts . . . 
 
Praise for Jeremy Clarkson: 
 
Brilliant . . . Laugh-out-loud' Daily Telegraph 
 
'Outrageously funny . . . Will have you in stitches' Time Out 
 
'Very funny . . . I cracked up laughing on the tube' Evening Standard

CLARKSON'S BACK - AND THIS TIME HE'S PUTTING HIS FOOT DOWN 
 
From his first job as a travelling sales rep selling Paddington Bears to his latest wheeze as a gentleman farmer, Jeremy Clarkson's love of cars has just about kept him out of trouble. 
 
But in a persistently infuriating world sometimes you have to race full-throttle at the speed-bumps. 
 
Because there's still plenty to get cross about, including: 
 
· Why nothing good ever came out of a meeting 
· Muesli's unmentionable side effects 
· Navigating London when every single road is being dug up at once 
· People who read online reviews of dishwashers 
· ****ing driverless cars 
 
Buckle up for a bumpy ride - you're holding the only book in history to require seatbelts . . .

Jeremy Clarkson

Diddly Squat: Home to Roost

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