A gif of imagined online dating app profiles for book characters
A gif of imagined online dating app profiles for book characters

Bertie Wooster, Wodehouse’s Jeeves series

Opening line: No sense coming up with an opening line if I don’t have closing line, is there?
Bio: I’m a wonderful conversationalist, but I’m afraid listening is another matter
Loves: A good lark, a small songbird, and a cheeky pun
Hates: A bad sport
Ideal first date: An idle first date? Hardly! I say we romp about town, what about you?
My last meal would be: Served by Jeeves, I should hope!

Aech, Ready Player One

Opening line: Ready to be my player two?
Bio: Looking for a bit of friendly competition
Loves: Video games, all things ’80s and early ’90s
Hates: Filling these things out
Ideal first date: We listen to music and watch movies – but nothing scary!
Together we could: Find Halliday’s Egg – nah wait, done that ;)

An illustration of an imagined online dating app profile for Frodo Baggins, from Lord of the Rings

Mica Murphy/Penguin

Frodo Baggins, Lord of the Rings

Opening line: What’s the hottest mountain you’ve ever climbed?
Bio: I’m an adventurer, of average height, who gave up his comfortable existence for a more daring kind of life
Loves: My friends, good food, and reaching things on tall shelves, which isn’t a problem for people of average height
Hates: People who squabble about what ‘average height’ is; let’s all just agree it’s around my height?
Ideal first date: We go somewhere Nazgûl-free; there are no orcs, no dark wizards, no weird eye of fire. Is that too much to ask?
My most irrational fear: Rings. No rings. One day, maybe, I’ll get married! There will be no rings involved. Bracelets, maybe?

Antoinette Cosway, Wide Sargasso Sea and Jane Eyre

Opening line: So are you a nice guy or a ‘nice guy’?
Bio: Here for love, not time-wasting / “If a man calls a woman mad, ask ‘What bad thing did you do to her?”
Loves: Intersectional feminism, deep connection
Hates: Colonialism, racists, attics
Ideal first date: You call me Antoinette, we watch a film, we share an opinionated, intellectual discussion of it
Most spontaneous thing I’ve done: Ask me about the time ‘Bertha’ burned down a house…

An illustration of an imagined online dating app profile for Count Dracula

Mica Murphy/Penguin

Count Dracula, Dracula

Opening line: Are you down for the Count?
Bio: Looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with. Must love bats!
Loves: My pet bat and horror films – anything that chills the blood
Hates: Beautiful sunrises
Ideal first date: You come over, snuggle my bat, and we share a lovely, garlic-free meal
I’ll fall for you if: You push my feet while I’m hanging upside down, lol

Rodion Romanovich Raskolnikov, Crime and Punishment

Opening line: I might be from Petersburg, but I’m no saint
Bio: Thinks deeply, acts impulsively
Loves: Divulging tantalising details about myself in clever conversation
Hates: Bloodstains! Haha aren’t they SO hard to get out?
Ideal first date: We take a romantic walk around Saint Petersburg, all the while chatting about politics… and avoiding police whenever possible
Most spontaneous thing I’ve done: I once, um, well, there was this old lady and she, uh, haha… you go first!

An illustration of an imagined online dating app profile for Nurse Ratched

Mica Murphy/Penguin

Nurse Ratched, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

Opening line: I just wanna get inside your head ;)
Bio: Boss Nurse looking for meek man, or woman
Loves: Taking control, being in charge, issuing orders, and power
Hates: Dissent… don’t you agree?
Ideal first date: How about some roleplay? I wear my nurse’s uniform; you sit perfectly still and obey the rules and don’t challenge me in any way!
You should leave a comment if: You’re experiencing any kind of mental illness at all…

Lizzie Bennet, Pride and Prejudice

Opening line: You only get one first impression… go ahead
Bio: Looking to flourish, not settle
Loves: Cleverness, parties, integrity
Hates: Aloofness, suffering fools
Ideal first date: We attend a ball, and you act a gentleman. We part, and you text me the next day. Or, you don’t. Your loss.
You should leave a comment if: It’s not a foolish one

Ishmael, Moby-Dick

Opening line: Call me… whatever you like ;)
Bio: If you’ll be my sperm whale, I’ll be your harpoon
Loves: Whaling, sharing a warm bed at an inn, seamen
Hates: Single-minded people who will stop at nothing, not even death and destruction, to achieve their obsessive goals
Ideal first date: We go for dinner, I speak at some length about whales, whale taxonomy, and the properties of whales, which I call a “sprouting fish with a horizontal tail”
You should leave a comment if: You have seen Queequeg / you are Queequeg

What did you think of this article? Email editor@penguinrandomhouse.co.uk and let us know.

Image: Mica Murphy / Penguin


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